The family we come from influences us more than we often think. My sociology professor at BYU-Idaho also works as a premarital counselor and loves to point out how dissecting different family cultures plays a huge role in his job. Marital conflict in many cases comes from a difference in family culture, he claims. Many marriages fail not solely because of financial stress or the major disagreements, but because the participants speak two different languages of conflict resolution. Relationship stress is often helped along by difference in parenting techniques, where people place the dishrag after washing, or different views of the “right” way is to put the toilet-paper roll on. We laugh at these apparently small conflicts, but they can be blown out of proportion when we see the other person as unreasonable or wrong, and so a large part of my professor’s job involves resolving such conflicts before the intending couple says “I do."
I had an experience recently that
really brought to my attention how much our family interactions can shape the
way we see the world. When my family has conversations, it’s considered the job
of the person speaking to make room for others to talk. The speaker is meant to
pause periodically and give others the chance to speak their mind, support or
refute what was said. When I moved away from home and lived with roommates from
other families, I was shocked to find they talked over me and seemed oblivious
of my desire to share in the conversation. I liked and admired my roommates and
could not understand why they were treating each other so poorly. This question
soiled several of my relationships before I had a run in with an Australian
friend of mine.
Aussies, as you might know, are generally
assertive people. My friend was no exception, in his excitement he would cut me
off in the middle of a conversation or contradict me on a point I wasn’t finished
articulating. Whereas I would listen attentively as he droned on about a subject
I had little interest in, he cut me off whenever he got bored with what I said with
a quick “let’s talk about something else!” He drove me to a point that I did
something I should have done from the start—I confronted him about it. And it
was in speaking with this friend that I realized that the source of my
aggravation was not that I surrounded myself with rude people—it was distinct
family cultures, leading to different perceptions of what was rude. This friend
and my roommates had no idea I was feeling unheard—they thought that I would
insert myself into a conversation when I needed to talk, as they did!
This experience represented a 180
degree turn in my perception of the impacts of family culture. Before this
point, I had no idea that seemingly small differences in how we were raised could
make or break a relationship. In truth, I didn’t give much thought to the
environment I or others were raised in before then. Since that time, I have
been more aware of the importance of examining my own family culture. Not necessarily
to pass judgements on our cultures or those of the people around us, so that we
can better understand where they are coming from. As we reflect upon our own
experiences growing up and ask others around us to share their own, we might
learn more about what causes our difference of opinion and experience, and this
can help us foster deeper, better relationships.
At times, we might come across something
in our backgrounds that we aren’t content with. If so, we have the power to change
it, for us and for future generations. For instance, my grandfather grew up in an
environment where physical touch was violent instead of loving. Snuggling or
hugging just wasn’t a reality; his parents would only touch him to spank or otherwise
punish him. My grandpa grew up uncomfortable with human touch, and he resolved that
his children would have a different experience. So, he made a point of hugging
his kids when he got home from work, building a relationship with them he had
never had with his parents. While it wasn’t natural for him, and at first he
felt terribly uncomfortable, my grandfather’s actions had a real effect on his children.
Two generations later, we are a remarkably warm and touchy family. Grandpa is
known for his rib-cracking bear hugs, which we grandkids have come to love, and
one of my mum’s earliest memories is of her father gently ruffling her hair as
they sat in the pews at a church service. As my grandpa did, we have the power
to change our family culture, and, with it, the course of history.
So, I’d invite you to consider
your family culture, holding it up against the backdrop of those around you.
How have these experiences shaped you, and how do those of others lead to a
different conclusion? What you can you give, and what can you learn? As we consider
the circumstances others came from, we might understand them better. This can
lead to deeper relationships, help prevent needless conflict, and lead us to a
better understanding of ourselves.
Feel free to share any interesting
habits of your own family below!
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